Let me tell all you assholes a little somethin' somethin' bout Christmas that you might not have known. This has nothing to do with the screaming infant Jesus, or Rudolph, or even that morbidly obese pedophile Santa Claus. It is about the true hero of Christmas, the Krampus! Krampus is all evil looking and goat-like and shit. He's tall and gangly and has food all up in his beard. His breath is horrendous and he has a very threatening member that he hardly bothers to conceal. He rides shot-gun with Santa Claus in the sleigh at the beginning of December and sniffs out the bad kids - you know, the ones who eat boogers and beat up gay kids. When he finds a filthy little brat, he puts the kid in his stinky sack and takes the kid back to his lair to sodomize the bad out. The only way the Krampus can be dissuaded is by getting drunk, so make sure you have some Schnapps on hand if you are an asshole. When they say that bad kids get coal in their stockings on Christmas, that is just a euphemism for the coal black cock of the Krampus rammed up a kid's stocking-like brown hole!